I Smell a Rat... A True Blood recap with Sookie Stackhouse references

Last night we were amused by a brand new True Blood episode. As always, it was full of blood, sexy skin, annoying Sookie, gorgeous Eric and the BIG REVELATION...

Sookie is a fairy. Big deal. I told you that last week and all of you who've read the series saw this coming too. The truly BIG deal is that the writers didn't mess this up for us. I mean, they messed up Russell Edgington (granted, their version is cooler), they killed Talbot (which is SO not cool), Pam looks old (she's supposed to be young and hot, not old and hot), they made Calvin Norris stupid and Crystal's dad (he's Crystal's UNCLE for crying out loud and one of the coolest characters on the SS series), they completely overlooked Sookie and Alcide's hot relationship (in retrospect I don't mind... I would have hated to see awesome Joe Manangiello hook up with Anna Paquin)... 

The list goes on. As you can tell, I am a disgruntled Sookie Stackhouse fan that watches True Blood in hope that it'll at least keep the saucy Sookie/Eric banter alive. In the books, these two aren't merely sexy, they are smoldering hot! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's recap this week's ep shall we?

As always, we begin with a look at last week's ep. My favorite part? Russell hissing: "We will eat you too, after we eat your children..."

Of course, it would have rocked if they added the true, classic ending to that episode, but they can't please everyone...

SOOKIE IS A FAIRY! Or part fairy. Or one tenth fairy. Or something. But we all knew that. Bill tells Sookie how he found out what she is and that there is this popular belief that Vamps killed all fairies.

Gruesome, nasty credits roll!

BACK!

Jason freaks out, Tara takes charge. They bury part of what's left of Franklin's body. As a side note, Vampires in Sookie Stackhouse novels don't become nasty blood rain when they are killed, they disintegrate at a rapid rate into ashes. They throw the rest of the... thing... in the bed of Jason's truck and drive away to burn it. So much work... Why didn't they leave him there? Who would have known they killed the damn thing?

Lafayette has the inspired idea of feeding a werepan... I mean Calvin Norris... vampire blood to help him heal. Jesus is bewildered by the idea and so is Crystal at first.

Cut to Sam getting hammered with whiskey. He has a flashback to his former, sleeker, still weird looking self sexying it up with Arielle Kebbel (that's her real name). It's weird to see her as a sex kitten after seeing her in John Tucker Must Die and Aquamarine... Anyhoo, the way she purrs "Tell me how you do it, Sam? How you keep getting into this places without setting off the alarm?" is probably the worst way I've ever heard a line delivered in True Blood but not quite. The winner of this dubious honor goes to every single thing Anna Paquin says in her faux Louisiana accent.

They start to get it on but this guy barges in with a gun and Arielle proceeds to grab everything and the guy says something about Sam being a 'dumb fuck not worthy of a class ass like her" which explains why he went off on Calvin. Not that we needed, or cared, for an explanation.

Bill tells Sookie that fairy blood to vamps is like chocolate ice cream to a chocoholic. Predictably so, she wonders if he likes her for her tasty blood. He admits that it holds some allure for him but that he loves HER. For the love of me I can't figure out why... but he does. He promises not to drink her blood if that is what she wants. Its hilarious to me how they are still together at this point when in Sookie Stackhouse #3 "Club Dead", Sookie sends Bill packing after finding out that he was getting it on with Lorena.

Gorgeous Eric is writing down his Last Will and Testament. Laugh at the hypocrisy that is an undead writing a testament. Pam is freaking out. Eric calls his sex toy to serve as a witness and when she figures out that Pam is getting everything should Eric dies she freaks out at him and he shrieks at her that he couldn't give five fucks of a damn about her. Pam says he is a dick. Draw your own conclusions, ladies.

Calvin is saved and pissed at having been fed vamp blood. He hits Crystal (which is getting old) and she runs after him. He abjures her, in a way, and she runs off. Lafayette says it best: "These fuckers are a whole new dimension of trash".

Hot Vamp Police chick explains how stupid it is to go after all vamps because of one terrorist. I agree. She says it would be like going after all of the human race because of one terrorist. I agree again. This made me think: were the writers trying to make a point with all of this? Like, how stupid, retarded and goddamned hypocritical it is that the United States calls itself the 'land of the free' and yet opposes the building of a Mosque solely because the terrorists of 9/11 were Muslims? Should all Muslims pay because of what a few did? Should all Germans pay then for Adolf Hitler? Should all Italians pay for Benito Musolini? Should all the Americans pay for the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear bombings?

Back to the episode.

Bill and Eric talk. Sookie wants to know what truth Eric is referring to. Bill says it means the truth about what she is. But we know better. Or at least we would know better if the writers kept at least an ounce of the original storyline. In the original storyline, Sophie-Anne Leclerq orders Bill to court Sookie in order to get access to her. She knows about Sookie's abilities because Hadley told her. She doesn't want to drain Sookie, though, she wants to use her. And she does, several times.

Eric says something cryptic, like a goodbye, and Sookie is a bit intrigues, though she pretends not to be.

Arlene goes off on how evil vampires are. Jessica runs like the wind and pins her against the wall and tells her off. She says something along the lines of: "Its hilarious how you being a slut barmaid feel like you actually have the right to hate me and treat me with contempt. You, next to me, are a nobody and yet you don't hear me calling you names and treating you like the piece of shit that you are." I agree. Arlene calls her evil, which was lame. Tommy is turned on by Jess's fangs. Jess explains that she's not with Hoyt 'cause "he's too good" for her which is bullshit. Tommy murmures: "Well, I'm not". I disagree.

Summer tries to get all sexy with Hoyt but he doesn't look turned on.

Tara and Jason arrive at Jason's place come face to face with Bill and Sookie. Tara freaks out, as always. Bill leaves and Tara tells Sookie how Franklin raped her and Bill stood by and did absolutely nothing. Sookie hugs her. Boring. But Tara looks absolutely stunning, even with her perennial terrified look on her face.

Jason promises Bill he'll take care of Sookie which is rich considering that he can hardly take care of himself. And I thought Hoyt was living with Jason? When did that change?

Jesus and Lafayette take a V journey. Hot.

Or not.

Everyone's terrified of Sam now. He tries to calm them down. Holly tries to feed him some wiccan thing and he calls her nosy. She apologizes. Tommy says that he was feeling proud of Sam last night and Sam calls him an idiot. It was funny in a way, but it wasn't like laughing funny, more like... funny.

Arlene tries to say something to Terry about the baby. Terry says something clinical which is laughing funny, then she blurts out that the baybeh ain't Terry's, its Rene Lenier's and its pure evil baby and she wants to get rid of it. He won't have any of it. He wants to marry her and surround the baybeh with tons of love!

Jason looks confused. Or maybe he's constipated I don't know. Then he blurts out: "I shot Eggs!" which once again, is funny because who in the world goes by the name of Eggs? Really! Sookie annoyingly says he should tell Tara. He says he's protecting Tara and she says its lying. Same difference.

Jesus and Lafayette are in their V party and they travel in time and place to see Jesus's family or something. He comes from a long line of little witches and evil warlocks. Lafayette wakes up in a cold sweat but Jesus is lovin' it! Weirdest part? The religious images dancing. 

Sookie dreams of Eric and they kiss. Yummy. He says she knows deep down that she can't trust Bill. 

Jason brings Tara something to eat, she says Jason's the only one she feels he can trust and they kiss (cute!). Of course, you know that this kodak moment (Circa 1990) can't be left alone, can it? Of course not. Stupid Jason blurts out that he killed Eggs and begs Tara to hit him or something. She, of course, looks terrified and runs away. Jason runs after her and realizes Stupid Sookie has left the house as well. Figures. Stupidity, as fairy blood, runs in the Stackhouse family.

Jessica is in her jammies when she realizes some dicks lit a cross on her yard and wrote "GO TO HELL" on their wall. Bill is quickly by her side (I love them together!) and urges her to repress her vampiric side that says something along the lines of: "I'm not quite ready to go to hell yet, but it seems you are. Give my regards to he-who-must-not-be-named®!"

Sam wanders around the forest, drinking his misery away. He has another flashback to the night he killed the thug and his bitch (Arielle Kebbel). Pointless. It would have been fun if they'd bothered to show his butt... And what was worse, he cries after killing the little cunt... I don't get it. I'm not saying its okay to kill and all, but this is True Blood! It's expected!

Sookie goes to Eric. They finally kiss. Just as Sookie demands to know why it is that she can't trust Bill, Pam freaks out again and talks Eric into using Sookie in some way. She reminds him that he would have done anything to save Godric which is rich, considering that in the books, Godric is NOT Eric's maker. Eric's maker is some ancient old man who's name is impossible to pronounce and is killed in the book Dead in the Family and though a bit shaken, Eric didn't shed bloody tears for him.

Awesome Russell pays a gigolo to go to bed with him. He looks, very faintly, like Talbot.

Arlene asks Holly about the natural way of aborting her evil baby. Holly smirks.

Jessica is bitting her nails. Tommy comments on it and Hoyt comes out of nowhere and declares his love for her in the cheesiest way possible. She doesn't reply fast enough and he walks out. Tommy goes after him and heckles him. Hoyt is like, twice his size and he punches him. Tommy morphs into a pug and attacks Hoyt. Jess comes into her senses and runs after Hoyt, picks up Tommy and throws him into the woods, feeds Hoyt her blood and they start making these movements... Kinda hot...

Bill arrives all angry at Jason's place and let him have it! Saving Sookie from herself was Jason's responsability for chrissake! Jason rescinds his invitation to let Bill into his home and in the coolest bit in this episode, Bill kinda floats back and out the door and Jason slams the door in his face. SNAP MOTHERFUCKER! But the surprise is waiting for him in his room... a very fake looking panther is there... and as you all probably know it's a very naked Crystal! Yes people, she's a werepanther. 

Russell is in bed with his gigolo Tommy that slightly resembles Talbot. He's going all nuts, talking to the male bitch like he was Talbot. Then he stakes the guy and is all happy 'cause he got to say goodbye to Talbot. Depressing and awesome both at the same time. Awesome 'cause we get to see hot Talbot once again... when the gigolo morphs into him... of course we all know its taking place in Russell's imagination but still... 

Eric takes Sookie prisioner. And after last week's ending, this one is both boring and terribly disappointing.

As you can see, all of the comments written in magenta are about the differences between the books and television. The only comment written in blue is me bitching out about the double standards of humans as a whole.

I leave you with some eye candy...

M.

Everything is Broken-- True Blood Episode Recap

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Now wasn't that episode just... I don't know how to describe it? Bloody is too cliche. Juicy? Hmm... there seems to be plenty of that going around as well. 

Ah, let's get right to recapping, shall we?

As always we begin with a look back at last week's episode. My favorite scene? It's probably Bill training Jessica to fight werewolves. After all these two have gone through, its kind of warm and fuzzy to see them having a good relationship. Jessica baring her fangs to threaten a werewolf is a close second. I really like Jess for some reason...

We kick things off with gorgeous, bloody Eric snapping at Pam. He needs a place to hide and he needs it NOW dammit! Ginger comes out of nowhere and just as Pam asks for her place as a hideout she announces the Vamp Police is there. Eric looks shocked and half a second later emerges from his office to face the very pale, very skinny Ms. Vamp Police Agent. She uses silver to torture Eric to submission and Ginger shrieks very much like television Sookie would, but she doesn't look half as stupid doing so.

INTRODUCTION! On a side note: am I the only one freaked out by this show's intro? I mean, there are enough disturbing things going on in TrueBlood. Why the heck do they have this collage of weird, nasty images at the very beginning? 

BACK TO THE EPISODE!

King Russell is back in his mansion, demanding to know where Talbot is. In the single grossest scene in this entire episode, he grabs the nasty, jelly, bloody thing that is Talbot's remains and holds them close to him while crying out loud very much like television Sookie when she was trying to save Bill from Russell's estate. But, again, he doesn't look half as annoying as television Sookie does. He doesn't shed bloody tears, though. Guess Talbot wasn't worth them.

Sookie and Bill are showering the blood off themselves. Bill lovingly smears some of his blood on Sookie's neck wounds and they heal. Then they get it on again. Same old, same old. For some reason, they scene ends with bloody water going down the drain. Is that supposed to turn us on? It's not working. 

After showering, our two annoying lovebirds clean up the mess in Sookie's house. Sookie complains about not having a normal relationship with Bill. Bill reminds her that she should be used to the fact that they are not a normal couple. They argue a bit about it. Boring. They cover the werewolf's naked body. Blah blah... Sookie tells Bill its creepy that he has kept a file on her and her life. He tells her that the purpose of said file was trying to figure out why other vamps are so interested in her. He wants to know what she is in order to protect her. Huh? Where have we heard that before....? 

Sookie says she doesn't need protecting 'cause she took care of Debbie all by herself. Once again: huh? I wonder how well she would have fared if she had taken care of Debbie, two werewolves and Russel Edgington. But Bill is too much of a gentleman to point out how absolutely ridiculous she is so we cut to Lafayette lying on a purple couch with his man toy, Jesus. 

Jesus comes out wearing the most ridiculous robe I've ever seen in my life. It's like the producers of TrueBlood want to remind us at every possible instance that Jesus and Lafayette are gay! GUYS! We know! Stop making them wear these stupid clothes already! Damn!

Anyways, they flirt. They kiss. Something about a jaguar tattoo... It seems more like a filler than anything else to me.

On to Jason's house! Crystal's former fiance or whatever he is comes barging into Jason's house and promptly tries to beat up Jason for "kidnapping" his girl. Jason is confused (which is a perpetual look on his face. Not that we are really looking at his face when he wears tight shirts...). Crystal cries out that not only did Jason kidnap her, but he raped her. When Crystal's fiance turns around to kick Jason's ass, Crystal grabs Jason's riffle and hits her fiance over the head. The funniest part of this whole shebang was when Crystal tells Jason they have to tie him up and take him somewhere in the woods and that he has to "trust" her. Yes, she wants him to trust her after she accused him of kidnapping and raping her. And Jason is so stupid that he complies. Dude! The chick is not that good looking! Get it together! Oh, and she grabs something out of the former fiance's pocket. Yup.

Back to Eric! The Vamp Police chick complains the whole place is clean. Don't you just hate it when that happens? You go someplace and its all clean! We can't have clean on TrueBlood! And yes, I know she wants to find evidence on the Magister's disappearance but I still think its funny...

The Police Vamp chick says she wants his official statement for the Authority. Whoever they are.

Cut to Tara sobbing on Sam's trailer. 

Ok, I get that this chick has been through a lot but her sobbing and looking terrified is seriously annoying me. I know that Book Tara is also kind of annoying and whiny but Charlaine Harris at least had the insight to keep her appearances at a minimum. Isn't television Sookie annoying enough? %^^&#@%^@$!!!

So, Tara sobs. Sam comforts her as best as he can. He gets a call from Terry Bellefleur. Terry complains that Tommy's having some sort of noisy sex party at his house and Arlene is going anal. Which is also not surprising. Sam leaves Tara in his trailer while he goes to check on his sexy little brother. Tara starts using Sam's computer that looks suspiciously like a Dell but we don't get product placement. Guess Dell didn't pay HBO to get publicity!

Back to Eric! You know... if he wasn't wearing a shirt this would be a heck of a lot better. Ah well... He's giving his "Official Statement to the Vampire Authority" (say that out loud with a straight face. I dare you not to laugh). He reveals everything that has happened: werewolves,  Russell Edgington and his vampire supremacy beliefs, the Magister's murder... why he didn't report Russell... He wants REVENGE people! The Authority, of course, doesn't want to get their hands dirty (funny!) by dealing with a King who has given tons of money to Vampires of America or something. And they arrest Eric and Pam until the "Authority" gives a final verdict.

Sam berates Tommy for having loud sex. Tommy complains. A bitch with saggy breasts but awesome abs comes out (Nicole? Natalie?) and Sam looks kind of uncomfortable. Hmm... he seemed a heck of a lot more comfortable in his Bill fantasy than with girls in front of him. Could that be a sign? Book Sam isn't this pathetic. But then again, Book Sookie isn't either so I don't know why I even bother. Sam tells Tommy to keep it down. Tommy asks if this is an order as a landlord or a father and Sam walks away. Natalie/Nicole asks Tommy if Sam is his father... lame.

Crystal and Jason tie the former fiance to a tree and make a call to the Police Station notifying that the man is there. Not sure to what purpose.

Cut back to Jesus and Lafayette. Jesus is worn out from canoodling with Lafayette all night but he has to go back to work. Ruby comes out looking glam and declares that her son looks... like her son once again... Ok. She wonders if Jesus had anything to do with it and Lafayette says yes. Ruby, in the funniest bit of this episode, says looking absolutely appalled: "I'll be damned! Maybe God loves fags!" Her face says it all, people! Jesus giggles and they leave.

Jason and Crystal walk into the Police Station the next morning and some lady is crying because Kevin got beat up nearly to death while answering Jason's phony call the night before. Jason looks horrified. Crystal looks... she looks... weird. That girl really has a weird looking face. It's kind of block shaped or something. And she's always chewing on her bottom lip. Maybe its supposed to be cute but I think it makes her look retarded. But I digress. Jason talks to Andy and plants this idea of tying the illegal V and Hotshot incidents together. Andy agrees and as Jason leaves he open his drawer and reveals tiny vials of blood. WTF? This Hotshot guy walks by Crystal and gives her the evil eye. That was fun.

Let's catch up with Tara, shall we? She arrives at this Church, it seems, and the new waitress, Holly is there to welcome her. Holly tells a story about being raped for five hours and how she is coping and we see something in Tara's face that resembles... hope? Relief? Did she pass gas? I can't tell but its an improvement over her terrified/sobbing facial expressions!

Sookie is looking at some newspaper clippings when she gets a call from Hadley. Hadley immediately demands to know why Sookie is still in her house when she specifically warned her that she should leave. I found that hysterical because Hadley called Sookie because she needs her to meet someone, but was pissed that Sookie was still home. So... Sookie should not be home but you wanted her to be because you need her for something? Lather, rinse, repeat. Got it.

Sookie goes running like the fool she is to answer's Hadley's plea. Hadley introduces her to Hunter, her cute little son who also happens to be a telepath. Of course, cousin Hadley is not sure that her son really is a telepath but when Sookie confirms it, she freaks out and leads the little boy away and warns Sookie to run away as well. But Sookie ain't having that! She is not running! Didn't you know? She took on Debbie Pelt all by her lonesome!

Back at Merlotte's, Arlene complains that Tommy stole part of her tip. Tommy says Arlene is a crappy waitress (and she looks like she is) and she runs away in tears. Sam sides with Tommy and Tommy wonders if Sam always lets people walk all over him. How does this remark has anything to do with him stealing Arlene's tip is still unclear to me. Holly finds Arlene crying, they have a heart to heart. Bottom line: Arlene doesn't want her baby because its pure evil, Holly talks about abortion (which is rich considering a few scenes back she was at a Church), Arlene cries some more. The End. 

Or not. Bill is lying on his hidey hole and he opens a latch door and emerges from the pond in Sookie's "dream". Claudine is there and she runs away from him, horrified because he killed Sookie. Even in this dream world, Bill is faster than Claudine that happens to be a fairy. Highlight if you want to be spoiled. That is, if you don't already know. Claudine repels him with light from her hands and Bill says he has not killed Sookie and that he wants to know what she is in order to keep herself safe.

Eric is bleeding from his ears and nose again. Why is that? Can anyone tell me? He hasn't slept and is anxious. He tells Pam that if he doesn't walk out of that debacle alive she should become a Creator. She cries. Its a sweet scene all in all.

Jessica sees Hoyt and his annoying little girlfriend Summer walk into Merlotte's She's annoyed at them, of course, and is sort of rude. But then apologizes. 

In another part of the bar, Jason tells Crystal that all her problems will be over soon 'cause they are taking Hotshot down! Crystal, being the weirdo that she is, freaks out at this. 

Jesus is also in Merlotte's and he orders a veggie burger with bacon. LMAO! Lafayette sexily says that for Jesus, he'd do just about everything. Then saunters off after saying "if you don't finish all of that, you ain't gettin' dessert." They don't show it, but I'm sure Jesus licked his lips and tore into that burger! Tara says she's happy about Lafayette and Jesus... but she says this after a bit of pity party for herself.

Back to Summer and Hoyt! Summer tells Hoyt she is proud that he has chosen the her and thus "the light". When she excuses herself to go to the little girl's room (why is she carrying around those creepy looking ancient dolls?!), Jessica wanders back to the table. She spies the dolls and asks Hoyt if Summer knows he hates dolls. Hoyt admits that they don't talk about him much, just about Summer and her bullcrap. Jess wonders why Hoyt puts up with Summer if he has just voiced that he hates her and he says something cutesy along the lines of: "its better to listen to incessant banter from a blonde, busty bimbo than lie around the house crying 'cause I ain't got your lovin' no more!" Jess cries for some reason and runs away. Tommy, which is clearly interested in cute Jess, asks Hoyt what his problem is before running after Jess.

The Vamp Police is at Fangtasia and they mean business. Atop of one of the buildings, Russell (I missed him!) is carrying around the nasty remains of Talbot and says in the most awesome way: "Ohhhh... they.will.suffer!" Bring on the fireworks, we're ready! He flies away. 

Inside Fangtasia, the Vamp Police chick says Eric looks like shit (impossible) and Eric says he feels "fantastic" (or fangtastic? Sorry, couldn't resist!). The verdict is basically: "Do whatever the fuck you want with Russell, nothing happened, the Magister never existed, we don't care how, just take him OUT!" Eric asks for help, the lady says fuck off and calls him a bitch. LOL

The caricature that is supposed to be Calvin Norris (Book Calvin Norris RULES!) walks into Merlotte's and shouts at his daughter (Book Calvin Norris is Crystal's UNCLE!). Sam loses it after caricature Calvin makes fun of him and rips him a new one. Its pretty gruesome for a relatively tame scene (no vamps involved!). Jesus and Lafayette are just about to take pathetic Calvin to the hospital and weirdo Crystal comes out shrieking like a banshee about wanting to go with them. Jason is confused. Again. And wonders why she wants to go care for a person that has repeatedly controlled her life. She asserts herself! Yes siree! She tells him: "I don't need no one controlling my life! Much less someone like fucking you!". I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she's right, Jason does want to control her because he wants her so much (again... haven't we heard that before?), on the other hand, her father has allowed another man to repeatedly beat her up. 

She should run away to Alburquerque.

Tara is watching this whole scene with a very Jason-like expression on her face (Read: Confused) when Franklin appears! Man is this guy ugly! Who's the genius in charge of casting in TrueBlood? Aaaaanyways, she says she tried to kill him, she says she hates him, he says he was told all of that but he just didn't BELIEVE! He's about to kill her, she says he will set her free, Jason... looking determined for a change, charges his gun, points it at Franklin who gives him a look of contempt and boasts that no matter how many times he gets shot he'll just come back for more. Just as he finishes saying that, Jason fires the gun and Franklin vanishes in a shower of scarlet blood. Jason's coolest line of this episode: "Not if I got wooden bullets!" Hehe. Tara still looks terrified, if a little grossed out. Jason looks at her tenderly. So cute.

Bill arrives at Sookie's and tells her that he thinks he knows what they're after. Sookie demands to know why he hadn't said anything before. Bill declares he knows what Sookie is and of course, it ends there. But we know better. Sookie is a freaking FAIRY!!! Unless they change that part of the books, of course. But I don't think they will.

CUT to Police Vamp chick having a bite to eat (the girl she is feasting on has awesome breasts, unlike Tommy's bitch who was sagging). The television is on the news and they are saying something about voting for Vampire's Equal rights and how they don't have enough votes or something and AWESOME Russell Edgington grabs the guys spinal cord and kills him right there and then! Then he proceeds to tell humans how awesome vamps are and how stupid humans and how he's gonna kill them all or something. Police Vamp chick looks horrified (and paler than usual, which is saying something). Then Russell, in the best.ending.EVER, turns and faces another camera and says:

"Now time for the weather... Tiffany!"

Classic.

M.

True Blood Sunday and Next Food Network Star Finale

Today's Sunday and you all know what that means...

True Blood

is on tonight!

Last week's preview was very promising:

1. King Russell says someone "will pay"... does he know gorgeous Eric was the one who killed his Talbot?

2. Sookie and Bill had sweaty, bloody, dirty make up sex... and now Bill says he knows what Sookie is... Will it be revealed? Will the writers stick to the original series? If they do, we'll soon find out that Sookie is a descendant of...

3. A new, gorgeous, old vamp lady says something about the Magister? Who is she? And what is she talking about?

4. Pam and Eric have a moment. Will Eric as a Master release Pam? 

I was re-reading Club Dead and Dead to the World and it seems to me like the writers of True Blood are combining both books in this season. I don't mind that at all, especially if it means that gorgeous Eric and Sookie will finally get it on... 

What I do mind, though, is how different Book Sookie is from t.v. Sookie. Check it out and I'm sure you'll agree:

1. Book Sookie is a size 8 to 10, 5'10', busty, curvy beautiful blonde. I still don't understand why Anna Paquin was chosen for this role. She's small, with small breasts, nearly no curves and an okayish looking face. There must be thousands of beautiful, curvy blondes that could do this part. Why settle?

2. Book Sookie doesn't screech nearly as much as television Sookie. On a previous episode, Sookie is trying to escape with Tara from Russell's mansion. She finds Bill and is stubbornly trying to save him. We all love Steven Moyer so we don't mind... what we do mind is that if she is trying to escape from a place, how is it possible that she screams for help (to save Bill)? Is she stupid or something? And how horrible does Anna Paquin looks screaming?

3. Book Sookie, with her Word of the Month Calendar vocabulary and life lessons is a sassy know-it-all. She doesn't bow down easily to other people and she is sure of herself. Television Sookie... Where do I begin? Her sweet, sing song voice... her shyness... sometimes she stands up for herself, yes, but most times she lets everyone do everything for her. In the books she saved people, she fought things bigger than her (in Club Dead she kills Lorena while fighting her. Bill was too weak and bound to be any help).

Do I need to say more? I feel like the writers decided to jump on the Twilight wagon and make Sookie more like Bella Swan. Why would anyone think that is a good idea? Bella Swan is the most pathetic Mary Sue I've ever read! But I digress...

Anyways... True Blood is on tonight. Yes. I'll be watching and recapping the whole thing tomorrow along with some commentary on how closely (or not) it resembles the books.

Also on tonight: The Next Food Network Star Finale!

After weeks of culinary challenges (Did Giada have to go through all of this?) we are finally down to the final three: Aarti with her annoying "Aarti Paarti", Herb with his "Cooking con Sabor" (I wouldn't mind having to watch him...) and Tom with his "Big Chef" (I like him as well).

Who will win?

Do we really care?

After losing cute Brad Sorenson, I have to say I don't really care all that much for the final three. But I've invested nine hours of my life to watching this thing so I'm going to finish. This is it. Of course, I won't watch it live (True Blood is at the same time) so I'm going to record it, fast forward it to see who won, and then sit down and watch the whole episode. If there is something particularly fun there I'll blog about it.

Enjoy your shows!

M.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

I was browsing MSNBC a couple of weeks ago and came upon an article (can't find it right now, sorry) in which it was revealed that Disney's The Sorcerer's Apprentice was a box office flop. Apparently Disney execs were very excited about this movie and had high hopes for it and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong.

To be honest, I hadn't watched the movie yet. And it took me three more weeks to go see it. Part of the hesitation was due to the fact that I had to pay nearly ten dollars to see this guy:

http://www.canmag.com/images/front/people2/jaybaruchel.jpg

Nothing personal. Really. I think Jay is a very talented actor. However, he does look like the guy-next-door-who-you-wouldn't-look-at-twice... Why would I pay almost ten dollars to go see the guy you avoid looking at in real life? 

I don't care what all of you will say: this is the truth. If you are thinking about going to the movies and wonder which film you'll see, you take into consideration the people starring in it. More often than not, you go watch the movies with more eye candy (ever heard of Taylor Lautner, Leo de Caprio, Ashton Kutcher, and Johnny Depp, among others?). 

Now that I've actually watched the movie I have a few things to say to Disney execs. Pay attention:

1. There are two stars of this movie: the wizard Balthazar and his apprentice Dave. I understand that Dave is supposed to be a nerdy guy, and Jay Baruchel does an awesome job. However, like I've said before: we are shallow. We will choose to watch Inception with Leonardo di Caprio over The Sorcerer's Apprentice with Jay Baruchel. Shia Le Beof is a cute, nerdy guy. So is Justin Long. Couldn't they find a guy like them? I'm just saying.

2. Who's the target audience? I never really understood this. If it was children, they completely missed the mark with this movie. Dave as a kid was cute, endearing and engaging. You wanted to see more of him. It would have been fun to watch Jake Cherry as young Dave running around New York City with Nicholas Cage. Kids would have loved that because they'd be able to picture themselves doing the same things. But Dave as the apprentice is twenty years old. He's hardly relatable to kids. And to make things worse, a big part of the movie is devoted to Dave's attempts to woo this beautiful girl who, normally, would be out of his league. Do children really care about that?

If the target audience was tweens and teens, then they missed the mark again: Jay is not attractive and although Nicolas Cage is very handsome he is also very old for this demographic. Now... if the audience intended was tween and teen boys... well... between Monica Belluci's curves and the blond girl they'll be pleased. But what teenage boy would be caught watching a Disney movie that is not Pirates of the Caribbean?!

Obviously, the target audience were adults... nah! It wasn't.

The sad thing is that this movie is worth watching. Its not the best fantasy movie out there but its good. It's funny, the chemistry between Jay and Nick is fun and fresh and having all this action in NYC is just icing on the cake. But when it comes to movies marketing is everything. Without a clear target audience and a lackluster leading "apprentice", this movie was destined to belly flop at the box office. 

It really is a shame.

M.

What you should know...

Here's the thing:

I'm a twenty seven years old lawyer from Puerto Rico who has a ton of work to do, but gets bored easily. Every time this happens I take out my Blackberry and start browsing through the web. Everyone does it, right? 

As I'm sure a lot of people do, I watch a movie, a television show or read a particularly stupid celebrity tweet and I immediately want to know what other people think. Half of the time I read blogs and reviews and find their writing kind of... boring. Maybe I'm too much of a dork but when I read a blog about True Blood I want to know:

1. How is the series different from the books?

2. What is going to happen next?

3. When are Eric Northman and Sookie Stackhouse gonna get it on?

4. Is Sookie really that pathetic in the books? (Hint: She isn't.)

5. Why does Charlaine Harris says that she doesn't approve of Sookie Stackhouse fanfiction because it changes the essence of the book (or something) and yet she just loves True Blood (even though it couldn't be more different from the actual books)?

Etc. Etc. Etc. 

The same happens when I read Twilight... I wanted to know what people thought about the books. I have found quite a lot of websites devoted to pro and anti Twilight movements. But again, what I want to read about I can't find:

1. What do fans really think about Kristen Stewart and her whiny ways?

2. Why is it that even though Alice is one of the most loved characters in this series she didn't get to tell her story in the movie?

3. Why are so many men running to tattoo parlors to get Taylor Lautner's New Moon wolf tattoo? (What are they trying to say? "Hi! I'm ______ and I love chick movies!" Really?)

Again... etc. 

So instead of whining like Kristen Stewart, I decided to just write down what I think and hope some people will share their thoughts with me. It seems like a good idea, its free and who knows? Maybe some of you will like it!

Stick around. Weird things are about to happen...

M.