Everything is Broken-- True Blood Episode Recap

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Now wasn't that episode just... I don't know how to describe it? Bloody is too cliche. Juicy? Hmm... there seems to be plenty of that going around as well. 

Ah, let's get right to recapping, shall we?

As always we begin with a look back at last week's episode. My favorite scene? It's probably Bill training Jessica to fight werewolves. After all these two have gone through, its kind of warm and fuzzy to see them having a good relationship. Jessica baring her fangs to threaten a werewolf is a close second. I really like Jess for some reason...

We kick things off with gorgeous, bloody Eric snapping at Pam. He needs a place to hide and he needs it NOW dammit! Ginger comes out of nowhere and just as Pam asks for her place as a hideout she announces the Vamp Police is there. Eric looks shocked and half a second later emerges from his office to face the very pale, very skinny Ms. Vamp Police Agent. She uses silver to torture Eric to submission and Ginger shrieks very much like television Sookie would, but she doesn't look half as stupid doing so.

INTRODUCTION! On a side note: am I the only one freaked out by this show's intro? I mean, there are enough disturbing things going on in TrueBlood. Why the heck do they have this collage of weird, nasty images at the very beginning? 

BACK TO THE EPISODE!

King Russell is back in his mansion, demanding to know where Talbot is. In the single grossest scene in this entire episode, he grabs the nasty, jelly, bloody thing that is Talbot's remains and holds them close to him while crying out loud very much like television Sookie when she was trying to save Bill from Russell's estate. But, again, he doesn't look half as annoying as television Sookie does. He doesn't shed bloody tears, though. Guess Talbot wasn't worth them.

Sookie and Bill are showering the blood off themselves. Bill lovingly smears some of his blood on Sookie's neck wounds and they heal. Then they get it on again. Same old, same old. For some reason, they scene ends with bloody water going down the drain. Is that supposed to turn us on? It's not working. 

After showering, our two annoying lovebirds clean up the mess in Sookie's house. Sookie complains about not having a normal relationship with Bill. Bill reminds her that she should be used to the fact that they are not a normal couple. They argue a bit about it. Boring. They cover the werewolf's naked body. Blah blah... Sookie tells Bill its creepy that he has kept a file on her and her life. He tells her that the purpose of said file was trying to figure out why other vamps are so interested in her. He wants to know what she is in order to protect her. Huh? Where have we heard that before....? 

Sookie says she doesn't need protecting 'cause she took care of Debbie all by herself. Once again: huh? I wonder how well she would have fared if she had taken care of Debbie, two werewolves and Russel Edgington. But Bill is too much of a gentleman to point out how absolutely ridiculous she is so we cut to Lafayette lying on a purple couch with his man toy, Jesus. 

Jesus comes out wearing the most ridiculous robe I've ever seen in my life. It's like the producers of TrueBlood want to remind us at every possible instance that Jesus and Lafayette are gay! GUYS! We know! Stop making them wear these stupid clothes already! Damn!

Anyways, they flirt. They kiss. Something about a jaguar tattoo... It seems more like a filler than anything else to me.

On to Jason's house! Crystal's former fiance or whatever he is comes barging into Jason's house and promptly tries to beat up Jason for "kidnapping" his girl. Jason is confused (which is a perpetual look on his face. Not that we are really looking at his face when he wears tight shirts...). Crystal cries out that not only did Jason kidnap her, but he raped her. When Crystal's fiance turns around to kick Jason's ass, Crystal grabs Jason's riffle and hits her fiance over the head. The funniest part of this whole shebang was when Crystal tells Jason they have to tie him up and take him somewhere in the woods and that he has to "trust" her. Yes, she wants him to trust her after she accused him of kidnapping and raping her. And Jason is so stupid that he complies. Dude! The chick is not that good looking! Get it together! Oh, and she grabs something out of the former fiance's pocket. Yup.

Back to Eric! The Vamp Police chick complains the whole place is clean. Don't you just hate it when that happens? You go someplace and its all clean! We can't have clean on TrueBlood! And yes, I know she wants to find evidence on the Magister's disappearance but I still think its funny...

The Police Vamp chick says she wants his official statement for the Authority. Whoever they are.

Cut to Tara sobbing on Sam's trailer. 

Ok, I get that this chick has been through a lot but her sobbing and looking terrified is seriously annoying me. I know that Book Tara is also kind of annoying and whiny but Charlaine Harris at least had the insight to keep her appearances at a minimum. Isn't television Sookie annoying enough? %^^&#@%^@$!!!

So, Tara sobs. Sam comforts her as best as he can. He gets a call from Terry Bellefleur. Terry complains that Tommy's having some sort of noisy sex party at his house and Arlene is going anal. Which is also not surprising. Sam leaves Tara in his trailer while he goes to check on his sexy little brother. Tara starts using Sam's computer that looks suspiciously like a Dell but we don't get product placement. Guess Dell didn't pay HBO to get publicity!

Back to Eric! You know... if he wasn't wearing a shirt this would be a heck of a lot better. Ah well... He's giving his "Official Statement to the Vampire Authority" (say that out loud with a straight face. I dare you not to laugh). He reveals everything that has happened: werewolves,  Russell Edgington and his vampire supremacy beliefs, the Magister's murder... why he didn't report Russell... He wants REVENGE people! The Authority, of course, doesn't want to get their hands dirty (funny!) by dealing with a King who has given tons of money to Vampires of America or something. And they arrest Eric and Pam until the "Authority" gives a final verdict.

Sam berates Tommy for having loud sex. Tommy complains. A bitch with saggy breasts but awesome abs comes out (Nicole? Natalie?) and Sam looks kind of uncomfortable. Hmm... he seemed a heck of a lot more comfortable in his Bill fantasy than with girls in front of him. Could that be a sign? Book Sam isn't this pathetic. But then again, Book Sookie isn't either so I don't know why I even bother. Sam tells Tommy to keep it down. Tommy asks if this is an order as a landlord or a father and Sam walks away. Natalie/Nicole asks Tommy if Sam is his father... lame.

Crystal and Jason tie the former fiance to a tree and make a call to the Police Station notifying that the man is there. Not sure to what purpose.

Cut back to Jesus and Lafayette. Jesus is worn out from canoodling with Lafayette all night but he has to go back to work. Ruby comes out looking glam and declares that her son looks... like her son once again... Ok. She wonders if Jesus had anything to do with it and Lafayette says yes. Ruby, in the funniest bit of this episode, says looking absolutely appalled: "I'll be damned! Maybe God loves fags!" Her face says it all, people! Jesus giggles and they leave.

Jason and Crystal walk into the Police Station the next morning and some lady is crying because Kevin got beat up nearly to death while answering Jason's phony call the night before. Jason looks horrified. Crystal looks... she looks... weird. That girl really has a weird looking face. It's kind of block shaped or something. And she's always chewing on her bottom lip. Maybe its supposed to be cute but I think it makes her look retarded. But I digress. Jason talks to Andy and plants this idea of tying the illegal V and Hotshot incidents together. Andy agrees and as Jason leaves he open his drawer and reveals tiny vials of blood. WTF? This Hotshot guy walks by Crystal and gives her the evil eye. That was fun.

Let's catch up with Tara, shall we? She arrives at this Church, it seems, and the new waitress, Holly is there to welcome her. Holly tells a story about being raped for five hours and how she is coping and we see something in Tara's face that resembles... hope? Relief? Did she pass gas? I can't tell but its an improvement over her terrified/sobbing facial expressions!

Sookie is looking at some newspaper clippings when she gets a call from Hadley. Hadley immediately demands to know why Sookie is still in her house when she specifically warned her that she should leave. I found that hysterical because Hadley called Sookie because she needs her to meet someone, but was pissed that Sookie was still home. So... Sookie should not be home but you wanted her to be because you need her for something? Lather, rinse, repeat. Got it.

Sookie goes running like the fool she is to answer's Hadley's plea. Hadley introduces her to Hunter, her cute little son who also happens to be a telepath. Of course, cousin Hadley is not sure that her son really is a telepath but when Sookie confirms it, she freaks out and leads the little boy away and warns Sookie to run away as well. But Sookie ain't having that! She is not running! Didn't you know? She took on Debbie Pelt all by her lonesome!

Back at Merlotte's, Arlene complains that Tommy stole part of her tip. Tommy says Arlene is a crappy waitress (and she looks like she is) and she runs away in tears. Sam sides with Tommy and Tommy wonders if Sam always lets people walk all over him. How does this remark has anything to do with him stealing Arlene's tip is still unclear to me. Holly finds Arlene crying, they have a heart to heart. Bottom line: Arlene doesn't want her baby because its pure evil, Holly talks about abortion (which is rich considering a few scenes back she was at a Church), Arlene cries some more. The End. 

Or not. Bill is lying on his hidey hole and he opens a latch door and emerges from the pond in Sookie's "dream". Claudine is there and she runs away from him, horrified because he killed Sookie. Even in this dream world, Bill is faster than Claudine that happens to be a fairy. Highlight if you want to be spoiled. That is, if you don't already know. Claudine repels him with light from her hands and Bill says he has not killed Sookie and that he wants to know what she is in order to keep herself safe.

Eric is bleeding from his ears and nose again. Why is that? Can anyone tell me? He hasn't slept and is anxious. He tells Pam that if he doesn't walk out of that debacle alive she should become a Creator. She cries. Its a sweet scene all in all.

Jessica sees Hoyt and his annoying little girlfriend Summer walk into Merlotte's She's annoyed at them, of course, and is sort of rude. But then apologizes. 

In another part of the bar, Jason tells Crystal that all her problems will be over soon 'cause they are taking Hotshot down! Crystal, being the weirdo that she is, freaks out at this. 

Jesus is also in Merlotte's and he orders a veggie burger with bacon. LMAO! Lafayette sexily says that for Jesus, he'd do just about everything. Then saunters off after saying "if you don't finish all of that, you ain't gettin' dessert." They don't show it, but I'm sure Jesus licked his lips and tore into that burger! Tara says she's happy about Lafayette and Jesus... but she says this after a bit of pity party for herself.

Back to Summer and Hoyt! Summer tells Hoyt she is proud that he has chosen the her and thus "the light". When she excuses herself to go to the little girl's room (why is she carrying around those creepy looking ancient dolls?!), Jessica wanders back to the table. She spies the dolls and asks Hoyt if Summer knows he hates dolls. Hoyt admits that they don't talk about him much, just about Summer and her bullcrap. Jess wonders why Hoyt puts up with Summer if he has just voiced that he hates her and he says something cutesy along the lines of: "its better to listen to incessant banter from a blonde, busty bimbo than lie around the house crying 'cause I ain't got your lovin' no more!" Jess cries for some reason and runs away. Tommy, which is clearly interested in cute Jess, asks Hoyt what his problem is before running after Jess.

The Vamp Police is at Fangtasia and they mean business. Atop of one of the buildings, Russell (I missed him!) is carrying around the nasty remains of Talbot and says in the most awesome way: "Ohhhh... they.will.suffer!" Bring on the fireworks, we're ready! He flies away. 

Inside Fangtasia, the Vamp Police chick says Eric looks like shit (impossible) and Eric says he feels "fantastic" (or fangtastic? Sorry, couldn't resist!). The verdict is basically: "Do whatever the fuck you want with Russell, nothing happened, the Magister never existed, we don't care how, just take him OUT!" Eric asks for help, the lady says fuck off and calls him a bitch. LOL

The caricature that is supposed to be Calvin Norris (Book Calvin Norris RULES!) walks into Merlotte's and shouts at his daughter (Book Calvin Norris is Crystal's UNCLE!). Sam loses it after caricature Calvin makes fun of him and rips him a new one. Its pretty gruesome for a relatively tame scene (no vamps involved!). Jesus and Lafayette are just about to take pathetic Calvin to the hospital and weirdo Crystal comes out shrieking like a banshee about wanting to go with them. Jason is confused. Again. And wonders why she wants to go care for a person that has repeatedly controlled her life. She asserts herself! Yes siree! She tells him: "I don't need no one controlling my life! Much less someone like fucking you!". I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she's right, Jason does want to control her because he wants her so much (again... haven't we heard that before?), on the other hand, her father has allowed another man to repeatedly beat her up. 

She should run away to Alburquerque.

Tara is watching this whole scene with a very Jason-like expression on her face (Read: Confused) when Franklin appears! Man is this guy ugly! Who's the genius in charge of casting in TrueBlood? Aaaaanyways, she says she tried to kill him, she says she hates him, he says he was told all of that but he just didn't BELIEVE! He's about to kill her, she says he will set her free, Jason... looking determined for a change, charges his gun, points it at Franklin who gives him a look of contempt and boasts that no matter how many times he gets shot he'll just come back for more. Just as he finishes saying that, Jason fires the gun and Franklin vanishes in a shower of scarlet blood. Jason's coolest line of this episode: "Not if I got wooden bullets!" Hehe. Tara still looks terrified, if a little grossed out. Jason looks at her tenderly. So cute.

Bill arrives at Sookie's and tells her that he thinks he knows what they're after. Sookie demands to know why he hadn't said anything before. Bill declares he knows what Sookie is and of course, it ends there. But we know better. Sookie is a freaking FAIRY!!! Unless they change that part of the books, of course. But I don't think they will.

CUT to Police Vamp chick having a bite to eat (the girl she is feasting on has awesome breasts, unlike Tommy's bitch who was sagging). The television is on the news and they are saying something about voting for Vampire's Equal rights and how they don't have enough votes or something and AWESOME Russell Edgington grabs the guys spinal cord and kills him right there and then! Then he proceeds to tell humans how awesome vamps are and how stupid humans and how he's gonna kill them all or something. Police Vamp chick looks horrified (and paler than usual, which is saying something). Then Russell, in the best.ending.EVER, turns and faces another camera and says:

"Now time for the weather... Tiffany!"

Classic.

M.