I Smell a Rat... A True Blood recap with Sookie Stackhouse references

Last night we were amused by a brand new True Blood episode. As always, it was full of blood, sexy skin, annoying Sookie, gorgeous Eric and the BIG REVELATION...

Sookie is a fairy. Big deal. I told you that last week and all of you who've read the series saw this coming too. The truly BIG deal is that the writers didn't mess this up for us. I mean, they messed up Russell Edgington (granted, their version is cooler), they killed Talbot (which is SO not cool), Pam looks old (she's supposed to be young and hot, not old and hot), they made Calvin Norris stupid and Crystal's dad (he's Crystal's UNCLE for crying out loud and one of the coolest characters on the SS series), they completely overlooked Sookie and Alcide's hot relationship (in retrospect I don't mind... I would have hated to see awesome Joe Manangiello hook up with Anna Paquin)... 

The list goes on. As you can tell, I am a disgruntled Sookie Stackhouse fan that watches True Blood in hope that it'll at least keep the saucy Sookie/Eric banter alive. In the books, these two aren't merely sexy, they are smoldering hot! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's recap this week's ep shall we?

As always, we begin with a look at last week's ep. My favorite part? Russell hissing: "We will eat you too, after we eat your children..."

Of course, it would have rocked if they added the true, classic ending to that episode, but they can't please everyone...

SOOKIE IS A FAIRY! Or part fairy. Or one tenth fairy. Or something. But we all knew that. Bill tells Sookie how he found out what she is and that there is this popular belief that Vamps killed all fairies.

Gruesome, nasty credits roll!

BACK!

Jason freaks out, Tara takes charge. They bury part of what's left of Franklin's body. As a side note, Vampires in Sookie Stackhouse novels don't become nasty blood rain when they are killed, they disintegrate at a rapid rate into ashes. They throw the rest of the... thing... in the bed of Jason's truck and drive away to burn it. So much work... Why didn't they leave him there? Who would have known they killed the damn thing?

Lafayette has the inspired idea of feeding a werepan... I mean Calvin Norris... vampire blood to help him heal. Jesus is bewildered by the idea and so is Crystal at first.

Cut to Sam getting hammered with whiskey. He has a flashback to his former, sleeker, still weird looking self sexying it up with Arielle Kebbel (that's her real name). It's weird to see her as a sex kitten after seeing her in John Tucker Must Die and Aquamarine... Anyhoo, the way she purrs "Tell me how you do it, Sam? How you keep getting into this places without setting off the alarm?" is probably the worst way I've ever heard a line delivered in True Blood but not quite. The winner of this dubious honor goes to every single thing Anna Paquin says in her faux Louisiana accent.

They start to get it on but this guy barges in with a gun and Arielle proceeds to grab everything and the guy says something about Sam being a 'dumb fuck not worthy of a class ass like her" which explains why he went off on Calvin. Not that we needed, or cared, for an explanation.

Bill tells Sookie that fairy blood to vamps is like chocolate ice cream to a chocoholic. Predictably so, she wonders if he likes her for her tasty blood. He admits that it holds some allure for him but that he loves HER. For the love of me I can't figure out why... but he does. He promises not to drink her blood if that is what she wants. Its hilarious to me how they are still together at this point when in Sookie Stackhouse #3 "Club Dead", Sookie sends Bill packing after finding out that he was getting it on with Lorena.

Gorgeous Eric is writing down his Last Will and Testament. Laugh at the hypocrisy that is an undead writing a testament. Pam is freaking out. Eric calls his sex toy to serve as a witness and when she figures out that Pam is getting everything should Eric dies she freaks out at him and he shrieks at her that he couldn't give five fucks of a damn about her. Pam says he is a dick. Draw your own conclusions, ladies.

Calvin is saved and pissed at having been fed vamp blood. He hits Crystal (which is getting old) and she runs after him. He abjures her, in a way, and she runs off. Lafayette says it best: "These fuckers are a whole new dimension of trash".

Hot Vamp Police chick explains how stupid it is to go after all vamps because of one terrorist. I agree. She says it would be like going after all of the human race because of one terrorist. I agree again. This made me think: were the writers trying to make a point with all of this? Like, how stupid, retarded and goddamned hypocritical it is that the United States calls itself the 'land of the free' and yet opposes the building of a Mosque solely because the terrorists of 9/11 were Muslims? Should all Muslims pay because of what a few did? Should all Germans pay then for Adolf Hitler? Should all Italians pay for Benito Musolini? Should all the Americans pay for the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear bombings?

Back to the episode.

Bill and Eric talk. Sookie wants to know what truth Eric is referring to. Bill says it means the truth about what she is. But we know better. Or at least we would know better if the writers kept at least an ounce of the original storyline. In the original storyline, Sophie-Anne Leclerq orders Bill to court Sookie in order to get access to her. She knows about Sookie's abilities because Hadley told her. She doesn't want to drain Sookie, though, she wants to use her. And she does, several times.

Eric says something cryptic, like a goodbye, and Sookie is a bit intrigues, though she pretends not to be.

Arlene goes off on how evil vampires are. Jessica runs like the wind and pins her against the wall and tells her off. She says something along the lines of: "Its hilarious how you being a slut barmaid feel like you actually have the right to hate me and treat me with contempt. You, next to me, are a nobody and yet you don't hear me calling you names and treating you like the piece of shit that you are." I agree. Arlene calls her evil, which was lame. Tommy is turned on by Jess's fangs. Jess explains that she's not with Hoyt 'cause "he's too good" for her which is bullshit. Tommy murmures: "Well, I'm not". I disagree.

Summer tries to get all sexy with Hoyt but he doesn't look turned on.

Tara and Jason arrive at Jason's place come face to face with Bill and Sookie. Tara freaks out, as always. Bill leaves and Tara tells Sookie how Franklin raped her and Bill stood by and did absolutely nothing. Sookie hugs her. Boring. But Tara looks absolutely stunning, even with her perennial terrified look on her face.

Jason promises Bill he'll take care of Sookie which is rich considering that he can hardly take care of himself. And I thought Hoyt was living with Jason? When did that change?

Jesus and Lafayette take a V journey. Hot.

Or not.

Everyone's terrified of Sam now. He tries to calm them down. Holly tries to feed him some wiccan thing and he calls her nosy. She apologizes. Tommy says that he was feeling proud of Sam last night and Sam calls him an idiot. It was funny in a way, but it wasn't like laughing funny, more like... funny.

Arlene tries to say something to Terry about the baby. Terry says something clinical which is laughing funny, then she blurts out that the baybeh ain't Terry's, its Rene Lenier's and its pure evil baby and she wants to get rid of it. He won't have any of it. He wants to marry her and surround the baybeh with tons of love!

Jason looks confused. Or maybe he's constipated I don't know. Then he blurts out: "I shot Eggs!" which once again, is funny because who in the world goes by the name of Eggs? Really! Sookie annoyingly says he should tell Tara. He says he's protecting Tara and she says its lying. Same difference.

Jesus and Lafayette are in their V party and they travel in time and place to see Jesus's family or something. He comes from a long line of little witches and evil warlocks. Lafayette wakes up in a cold sweat but Jesus is lovin' it! Weirdest part? The religious images dancing. 

Sookie dreams of Eric and they kiss. Yummy. He says she knows deep down that she can't trust Bill. 

Jason brings Tara something to eat, she says Jason's the only one she feels he can trust and they kiss (cute!). Of course, you know that this kodak moment (Circa 1990) can't be left alone, can it? Of course not. Stupid Jason blurts out that he killed Eggs and begs Tara to hit him or something. She, of course, looks terrified and runs away. Jason runs after her and realizes Stupid Sookie has left the house as well. Figures. Stupidity, as fairy blood, runs in the Stackhouse family.

Jessica is in her jammies when she realizes some dicks lit a cross on her yard and wrote "GO TO HELL" on their wall. Bill is quickly by her side (I love them together!) and urges her to repress her vampiric side that says something along the lines of: "I'm not quite ready to go to hell yet, but it seems you are. Give my regards to he-who-must-not-be-named®!"

Sam wanders around the forest, drinking his misery away. He has another flashback to the night he killed the thug and his bitch (Arielle Kebbel). Pointless. It would have been fun if they'd bothered to show his butt... And what was worse, he cries after killing the little cunt... I don't get it. I'm not saying its okay to kill and all, but this is True Blood! It's expected!

Sookie goes to Eric. They finally kiss. Just as Sookie demands to know why it is that she can't trust Bill, Pam freaks out again and talks Eric into using Sookie in some way. She reminds him that he would have done anything to save Godric which is rich, considering that in the books, Godric is NOT Eric's maker. Eric's maker is some ancient old man who's name is impossible to pronounce and is killed in the book Dead in the Family and though a bit shaken, Eric didn't shed bloody tears for him.

Awesome Russell pays a gigolo to go to bed with him. He looks, very faintly, like Talbot.

Arlene asks Holly about the natural way of aborting her evil baby. Holly smirks.

Jessica is bitting her nails. Tommy comments on it and Hoyt comes out of nowhere and declares his love for her in the cheesiest way possible. She doesn't reply fast enough and he walks out. Tommy goes after him and heckles him. Hoyt is like, twice his size and he punches him. Tommy morphs into a pug and attacks Hoyt. Jess comes into her senses and runs after Hoyt, picks up Tommy and throws him into the woods, feeds Hoyt her blood and they start making these movements... Kinda hot...

Bill arrives all angry at Jason's place and let him have it! Saving Sookie from herself was Jason's responsability for chrissake! Jason rescinds his invitation to let Bill into his home and in the coolest bit in this episode, Bill kinda floats back and out the door and Jason slams the door in his face. SNAP MOTHERFUCKER! But the surprise is waiting for him in his room... a very fake looking panther is there... and as you all probably know it's a very naked Crystal! Yes people, she's a werepanther. 

Russell is in bed with his gigolo Tommy that slightly resembles Talbot. He's going all nuts, talking to the male bitch like he was Talbot. Then he stakes the guy and is all happy 'cause he got to say goodbye to Talbot. Depressing and awesome both at the same time. Awesome 'cause we get to see hot Talbot once again... when the gigolo morphs into him... of course we all know its taking place in Russell's imagination but still... 

Eric takes Sookie prisioner. And after last week's ending, this one is both boring and terribly disappointing.

As you can see, all of the comments written in magenta are about the differences between the books and television. The only comment written in blue is me bitching out about the double standards of humans as a whole.

I leave you with some eye candy...

M.