Please Leave, Charlie Sheen

This will be the ONLY time I will ever blog about Charlie Sheen. I've never liked the man as an actor; I think he's pretty average looking (I simply don't understand how anyone can find him attractive at all) and his antics are the most ridiculous I've seen in a LONG time and I really, REALLY don't understand why so many people continue to feed his insanity by following him like idiots on Twitter or giving him more media attention.

Which is why, once again, I clarify: this is the FIRST and ONLY time I will ever write about Charlie Sheen.

Why am I bothering to write about this man, you may ask? Simple. I wanted to tell the world what I think about this man, and all man who behave this way, and ask a question... or several:

Why the hell are you all so fascinated with him? Don't you all know that your stupid fixation feeds his overly inflated ego making him act even more moronic? His antics are not "entertaining" in any way, they are SAD! This is a man crumbling in front of us, making a public spectacle out of himself, embarrassing his family and friends and then acting as though he is God's gift to mankind. HE IS NOT! Let him disappear into oblivion and pray that he takes Lindsay Lohan with him!

Whew... now that I got that out of my system I realize one thing:

There really is nothing to write about Charlie Sheen. He's a person who has had everything and has now become one of the biggest losers in the world. It is YOU, who follows him, watches his interviews and hangs on to every word he says, who keeps him famous and delirious. 

Please people: value yourselves more. Follow someone worth following. Be a fan of someone who actually does something good, instead of glorifying this destructive behavior. How can we expect our children and teenagers to live a better life and make better decisions if we reward people like Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen with our attention when they do something stupid? 

Have a higher self esteem, people. Maybe then these so-called "stars" will realize that the whole lot of us won't stand their shit anymore and will change their lives for the better.

It's time we take out the trash.

Charlie Sheen, you are dead to me.

M.

A word to celebrities: You're there because WE CARE!

And I mean it.

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..

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Maybe I should explain my little outburst.

For the past weeks I've invested some of my very precious time to watching Dancing with the Stars and voting too. I began voting for Audrina because... well... she was really the only one I knew and cared about. It's going to sound crazy but I've never seen, nor care to see, Dirty Dancing so I have no idea who Jennifer Grey is. I know who the Hoff is but I don't care about him. I used to watch Disney Channel but I didn't care for Corey in the House or That's so Raven so I'd never seen Kyle Massey before. I've watched The Brady Bunch on Nick at Nite and liked it, a little, but I like the parody movies better so Mrs. Brady is lost on me. Brandy's cool... I guess. But I was never a fan of hers. Michael Bolton... I knew his songs but I didn't know who was singing them and once I saw him interacting on DWTS I didn't care for him either. I hate Jersey Shore and in spite of his chiseled abs, The Situation is pretty gross looking. No thanks! And then... there is Bristol Palin.

I know Bristol of course, who doesn't? She's the daughter of one of the most enigmatic political figures out there Sarah Palin. She's a republican so you know she's conservative and yet her little pistol Bristol got knocked up by her douche boyfriend Levi Johnston. After making up and breaking up several times, Bristol has made obvious that:

1. She wants to be famous something terrible.

2. She will do anything to be famous.

From rumors of reality shows, to appearing on several magazines first to say she's back with Johnston and then to say what an asshole he is, to becoming a "Teen Activist" (what a joke!) to Dancing with the Stars. But hey ya'll, didn't you know? She's JUST LIKE US! She's RELATABLE! 

*Rolls Eyes*

Of course she is. 

What really ticks me off is her coming off as an "advocate for abstinence". Let me tell you one thing: if a pregnant young woman came to my school back when I was a teen to tell me to be abstinent I would probably laugh in her face as hard as I could. Why? Because ten to one: if Bristol hadn't gotten pregnant she wouldn't be talking about abstinence. To me she is being a hypocrite because she desperately wants to hang on to her fifteen minutes of fame so she becomes a "Teen Activist". Oh, and just so you know, I was a virgin until I got married. I've been married for five years and I am not expecting my first baby. So if there is someone out there who knows about abstinence and has the honor to talk about it is ME! It pissed me off to no end every time they show that clip of Bristol saying: "abstinence is possible" or something of the sort. Of course it is possible, Bristol but we won't take it from YOU.

So, obviously, I never cared much for Bristol being on this show. But I don't judge this show based on whether I liked the person or not: I don't particularly like Nicole Scherzinger but she was the best dancer last season so she deserved to win. Even if she was already a professional dancer. When this season started I watched, as I always do, to check out who dances, who performs and who sucks. Right off the bat the Hoff, Michael Bolton, the Situation and Bristol stuck out like sore thumbs: THEY SUCK EGGS. Really bad ones too. So obviously, as this is a talent competition the worse dancers should leave first, right?

Well.... it kinda started that way. The Hoff was the first to go. Michael Bolton quickly followed (the now infamous words of Mr. Bruno Tonioli were harsh indeed... but true... sorry!).  Then Margaret Cho (I'd forgotten she was in DWTS this season!), and in my opinion she deserved to go, but not so soon. This is the week were I think either the Situation or Bristol should have left.

Most of the United States (I refuse to call USA "America", there is North America, South America and Central America; why in the World does the United States get off calling itself the entire "America"?!) seemed to agree because Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was kicked off next. Followed by Mrs. Brady (who was never a good dancer, but always a better performer than Bristol. Then again... who isn't?).

Then shit started getting really weird. Audrina was kicked off. Audrina might not be the most likeable person given the fact that she has almost zero facial expression but damn it! The girl could dance! Can you honestly tell me that Bristol, who at this point was dancing pretty horribly and half-heartedly deserved to stay longer than Audrina?

Or longer than Rick Fox?! He was eliminated next, to the surprise of everyone, it seems, because they'd managed to get their highest scores yet. Then the next week it was Kurt Warner's turn to go. Bristol should have gone home instead of any of these three, and yet she stuck around. Strange, isn't it?

A lot of you would say: well, people voted for her then, right? What are you bitching about? Well, let me tell you...

1. I vote every single week. But only by texting and computer, never by calling in. Why? Because my calls never go through. Ever. I've tried to call during the show and immediately after the show and only ONE of the over thirty calls I've tried to place went through. JUST ONE. I wonder if people that are voting for Bristol have this problem.

2. Politics. In the United States, as many other countries, politics is much more than a field of study in College... it's a national sport. People follow politicians and rally for them and do ANYTHING for them. It's pathetic. Again: I vote. I listen to campaigns. I read what everyone has to say and I make an educated decision before I fill my ballots. Most people in the United States (and other countries) vote for the candidates of their political parties. It doesn't matter if their ideas are outdated and go against everything the Constitution stands for: if the person has always been a Democrat, they'll vote for everyone in their party. End of discussion. 

Why do I bring this up? Just a couple of weeks ago we celebrated the Elections for Congress. Sarah Palin has been, quite literally, everywhere. There is no escaping her. And what better way for her people to show how "popular" they are than to vote for Bristol in Dancing with the Stars? It may sound ridiculous, but over twenty million people watch this show. Its free publicity, people, don't be fooled. Dancing with the Stars should have never gotten mixed up with this.

3. Isn't this about the dancing?! What's the point of this show? The judges say its about the dancing but is it really? If it was about the dancing they would have been rougher on Bristol (a la Michael Bolton or The Situation or even Kurt Warner who was obviously NOT favored by the judges). They had the audacity to compare her to Kelly Osbourne which is ridiculous because Kelly was actually a good dancer and extremely likeable. There was one week in particular... I don't remember which, that Bristol confessed to Mark that she had forgotten her choreography and everything because she really wasn't trying very hard but that now she would. 

So, fine people of the United States of America: you are voting for a finicky, whiny little girl who got pregnant and now says abstinence is possible (would she be saying this had she NOT gotten pregnant?) who admits that she wasn't trying very hard but she will. Honest! 

I'm worried for the future of the good ol' US of A. 

Of course, there have been some revolts. Especially after Brandy, who has been consistently on top of the leader board with Jenn Grey, got eliminated one week shy of making the finals. People on Twitter went berserk! Apparently some began to annoy the crap out of the pros and judges because soon Mark Ballas posted a couple of tweets along the lines of: I get paid to work hard and make my celebrity look good and I have nothing to do with the voting process. To which I agree. People shouldn't harass Mark: he really is doing his job and he's doing an amazing job! In spite of how I feel about what's happening on the show, Bristol was TERRIBLE when she started and now she is watchable. Only a very talented, patient teacher could do that. So kudos to you Mark!

A little while later Louis van Amstel wrote to clarify that he wishes ALL three final couples good luck and they he'd only spoken about Jenn and Kyle because he knows them more or something. Apparently Bristol (or Mark) fans were p.o.'d that he'd not mentioned Bristol. Why are these people so aggressive is beyond me.

The last tweet I saw that had to do with this situation came courtesy of Carrie Ann Inaba. She says it was a shocking elimination but it goes to show you the power of voting. And although I agree with her assessment the truth remains: the judges have been entirely too kind. During Season 9 they have Mark Dacascos a 12 because the choreography was "all over the place". He performed the heck out of it and his technique was fantastic but they didn't like the style so they gave him ridiculously low scores. No matter how hard we rallied, we could only save him from elimination, not from the dance off in which he faced Aaron Carter and... quite honestly... Aaron outdanced him. But Mark Dacascos wouldn't have been in that situation had it not been for the judges scores. If they really think it was Bristol's time to go, why don't they give her the scores she really deserves?

Of course, I wrote all of this to Ms Carrie Ann and... of course... I got no answer. She tweeted a couple of hours later thanking all the butt kissers who insist on saying how awesome she is and how tough it must be to judge this program.

Its cool, and easy, to thank the ones who admire you. However... guess what peeps? The DWTS audience, as well as the Idol audience and Survivor audience (etc.) is made up of lovers and haters. You are there because WE CARE!!! Your silly little show is on the air because people like me, who tell the truth to people's faces and who take this seriously watch every Monday and Tuesday. Don't tell us to "get a life" and "stop writing" and "don't take this so seriously". YOU ARE LUCKY we take this seriously. YOU ARE LUCKY we care enough to watch and YOU ARE LUCKY we care enough to vote because otherwise you'd be OUT OF A FUCKING JOB YOU INGRATES!!!

Next week, I'll be watching. On Monday night and Tuesday morning you'll find me voting for Kyle Massey, which is the celebrity I've been voting for since Audrina was eliminated. You might see me on Twitter urging people to vote for him too. 

FYI, for all of you idiots who might write to me saying I should get a life, get this:

1. I'm married. Happily so!

2. My family owns three different, successful businesses, in which I'm the administrator.

3. I live in a beautiful home with beach view.

4. I am expecting my first child.

5. I have a gorgeous little yorkie.

6. I work in Church every weekend and even some week days.

So I have a very fulfilling life. But you see: I don't like politics. So Dancing with the Stars fills that void in unnecessary confrontation and escaping my very busy reality for a couple of minutes. We all need to unwind. This is my way of doing it.

If it doesn't make any sense to you, remember: I'm a lawyer. I don't have to make sense.

M.

Losing Weight

As far as I can remember, I've had weight problems. I know I'm not the only one, of course, but it is still quite painful. When I was younger it wasn't as bad: I was a gymnast and a swimmer and I loved dancing and jumping around so I was a pretty skinny young girl. 

Now, I'm going to say something a lot of you may have heard before but in my case I have tons of people that can verify this for me: I am not a big eater. In fact, I'm a finicky eater. I hate a lot of fried foods, chocolate is my only weakness and eating it often upsets my stomach so I can't binge on it. I like sweets, but I don't adore them and I have always eaten in controlled portions because my parents are doctors and are obsessed with making sure that me and my sister are in perfect health and condition.

However, thyroid and metabolism problems are not something you can simply overcome. You just have to work with them, which means that a rigorous exercise program will be a part of my life forever. Trust me, I've put it to the test: I've eaten normal meals without exercise and gained two pounds in ONE DAY whereas, eating exactly the same meals but working out for three hours results in me LOSING one pound. It's weird.

Now, you might be wondering why I'm telling you all this: it's quite simple. I've lost 33 pounds in less than three months. People are going crazy around me, wondering what's my "secret". These are some very real reactions to my recent weight loss:

1. I see you've been losing weight! How are you doing it? Dieting I'll bet... This is one of the comments that REALLY pissed me the hell off. Just because I'm overweight doesn't mean I eat like a fucking cow! Weight problems are associated mostly with overeating and I understand that but generalizing that way hurts people's feelings! I wonder why people don't think before they talk?

2. You look fantastic! Not that you didn't before... but you look better now! At this I only say: thank you. 

3. Whoa! You've lost a lot of weight! What's your secret?! Is it the new pills they are advertising on T.V.? Which ones? There are so many weight loss pills, teas, drinks, patches, creams, etc., that I don't know which one she was referring to. Either way, I'm not losing weight using any of those gimmicks. They are costly and they don't work. Get it through your heads: it takes time to get fat, it takes time to lose weight. End of story.

4. How many pounds have you lost already? Thirty-three pounds, thanks for asking. 

5. What's your goal? This one stumps me. Why do people want to know my personal weight loss goals? Do they want to take me to a shopping spree and need to know more or less when I'll hit that mark so they'll save up the cash? Do they want to make fun of my aspirations behind my back? What's the point of asking such a personal question? To us who constantly fight the battle of the bulge that is like asking: do you prefer the missionary position or doggy style? Back off!

6. I have a friend that has weight loss issues and I was wondering if you could tell me what it is that you are doing to lose so much weight so that I can tell her. I exercise like a madwoman. I go to the gym six days a week (Sundays are my only day off for resting), one hour cardio without breakfast, I eat breakfast then come back an extra hour and a half for more cardio, Pilates, Cardio Boxing, Zumba or circuit workout and then return in the afternoon an extra hour for Spinning, Zumba or cardio. 

7. Ok. Exercise, fine, but what diet are you on?! *Sigh* Ok, I'll fess up: I eat one bar of granola in the morning, one saltine cracker for lunch and a slice of ham for dinner. The rest of the time I drink water and look at other people eating luscious food on the Food Network, sighing because I have such a miserable life. 

OR NOT!

No one wants to hear that I have to work hard (I mean HARD) to achieve what I have so far. Weight loss is hard enough to picture without having someone telling you, straight to your face, that what you see is the results of hours at the gym. People want you to tell them that you are on a magical diet that will make all of your dreams come true and while dieting is certainly a part of weight loss (though not so much a part of mine, because of my specific situation) it is not the only part. People need to get that through their thick skulls!

Seeing as all these questions were beginning to drive me up the wall and it is very probable that I would snap at someone, I decided to tell everyone, once and for all, my weight loss secrets. Here we go:

1. If you have the economic means to do so, hire a personal trainer. I know it's a luxury for some, but the truth is there is nothing like having a personal coach that guides you through this difficult process. But don't hire just anyone (if my personal trainer was like Jillian Michaels, or whatever her name is, I can assure you, she would NOT be smiling for long), hire someone that makes you feel comfortable. My trainer had my same problems at a point in her life and she is kind enough to share her pictures and stories to prove it. She knows what I'm going through which makes me feel like she's my friend rather than someone who is there to torture the heck out of me (which she does!). I love her and you should care for someone who will play such an important part of your life. So if you can, get a trainer.

2. Dieting is important. Sometimes overweight people just eat TOO FUCKING MUCH. This is one of the reasons dieting is important. Some overweight people don't eat enough, causing their metabolisms to slow to a crawl and making even the most insignificant meals increase their weight which is another reason why dieting is important.

You see, dieting is not just about depriving yourself from eating something. Dieting is about learning to enjoy your meals in a different way. Eat fresh fruit when you crave something sweet instead of chocolate, but don't deprive yourself entirely, eating those sweets once in awhile is also part of having balance in your life. Eat your three meals in their allotted times, don't skip! And if you enjoy snacks, eat healthy snacks in small portions. Its not rocket science. You know all of this. Just apply it to your life.

Of course, if you have a water retention problem like me a detox diet is in order. In my case it was a week long diet which helped me a LOT. I won't share that diet with you because it is not mine to share (my trainer developed it and it belongs to HER) and also, it might not be right for you. Consult a nutritionist and get the right diet for your life.

3. Exercising - Exercising - Exercising. 

Here we go.

A show of hands: how many of you have lost weight only to find your skin looking haggard and ugly? 

Want to avoid that? EXERCISE!

Not only will exercise help you live a longer, healthier, fuller life but in a completely shallow point of view: you will look amazing. It is NOT the same to lose weight dieting alone and seeing your skin getting uglier and uglier by the day than seeing a healthy glow, the healthy growth of muscle and the way your body seems to be getting more beautiful each day. I promise you, there is nothing quite like it. And regardless of how much I whine in the mornings, I love what I do. I love the feeling that I'm doing something good for myself that will make me look good and live a better life as well.

Exercising is not something that you can do for awhile and then drop it. It has to be a part of your life, all your life. Which is why you should make it fun! Join a gym, get to know people, join classes and have fun! How boring is it to be walking on a treadmill for hours on end? Seriously! Get moving people! 

4. Build yourself a support group. 

I wouldn't be able to go through have of the shit I do if I didn't have the support from my family, very few select friends and my new gym friends. They keep me focused on what I should be doing. They help me calm down and see the bigger picture. They give me pep talks when I feel like walking away and going back to sleep. They stand by me when people are less than gracious about seeing me lose weight (there are some bitches that think its funny to keep mentioning what a long way to go you have... LOSERS!!!).

My support group is a HUGE part of why I am succeeding in this battle. I feel loved and I feel like I can do anything. Talk to your family and FEW SELECT FRIENDS and start a support group right now!

Hmm... that about covers it. Nothing too complicated, really. Once again, I know no one wants to hear hard work goes into this process because deep down everyone knows gaining weight is super easy and losing it isn't. This problem does not go away by closing your eyes. Weight loss is achievable but it is something PERSONAL. You can't buy a book and lose twenty pounds and keep it off. Those stories are few and far between. You have to realize you have a problem, find a solution to your specific problem and work hard at it. 

If I am doing it, you can do it to.

Tell me all about it. I'll let you know next week how I'm doing. I promise I will be a part of YOUR support group!

Love!

M.

I Smell a Rat... A True Blood recap with Sookie Stackhouse references

Last night we were amused by a brand new True Blood episode. As always, it was full of blood, sexy skin, annoying Sookie, gorgeous Eric and the BIG REVELATION...

Sookie is a fairy. Big deal. I told you that last week and all of you who've read the series saw this coming too. The truly BIG deal is that the writers didn't mess this up for us. I mean, they messed up Russell Edgington (granted, their version is cooler), they killed Talbot (which is SO not cool), Pam looks old (she's supposed to be young and hot, not old and hot), they made Calvin Norris stupid and Crystal's dad (he's Crystal's UNCLE for crying out loud and one of the coolest characters on the SS series), they completely overlooked Sookie and Alcide's hot relationship (in retrospect I don't mind... I would have hated to see awesome Joe Manangiello hook up with Anna Paquin)... 

The list goes on. As you can tell, I am a disgruntled Sookie Stackhouse fan that watches True Blood in hope that it'll at least keep the saucy Sookie/Eric banter alive. In the books, these two aren't merely sexy, they are smoldering hot! But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's recap this week's ep shall we?

As always, we begin with a look at last week's ep. My favorite part? Russell hissing: "We will eat you too, after we eat your children..."

Of course, it would have rocked if they added the true, classic ending to that episode, but they can't please everyone...

SOOKIE IS A FAIRY! Or part fairy. Or one tenth fairy. Or something. But we all knew that. Bill tells Sookie how he found out what she is and that there is this popular belief that Vamps killed all fairies.

Gruesome, nasty credits roll!

BACK!

Jason freaks out, Tara takes charge. They bury part of what's left of Franklin's body. As a side note, Vampires in Sookie Stackhouse novels don't become nasty blood rain when they are killed, they disintegrate at a rapid rate into ashes. They throw the rest of the... thing... in the bed of Jason's truck and drive away to burn it. So much work... Why didn't they leave him there? Who would have known they killed the damn thing?

Lafayette has the inspired idea of feeding a werepan... I mean Calvin Norris... vampire blood to help him heal. Jesus is bewildered by the idea and so is Crystal at first.

Cut to Sam getting hammered with whiskey. He has a flashback to his former, sleeker, still weird looking self sexying it up with Arielle Kebbel (that's her real name). It's weird to see her as a sex kitten after seeing her in John Tucker Must Die and Aquamarine... Anyhoo, the way she purrs "Tell me how you do it, Sam? How you keep getting into this places without setting off the alarm?" is probably the worst way I've ever heard a line delivered in True Blood but not quite. The winner of this dubious honor goes to every single thing Anna Paquin says in her faux Louisiana accent.

They start to get it on but this guy barges in with a gun and Arielle proceeds to grab everything and the guy says something about Sam being a 'dumb fuck not worthy of a class ass like her" which explains why he went off on Calvin. Not that we needed, or cared, for an explanation.

Bill tells Sookie that fairy blood to vamps is like chocolate ice cream to a chocoholic. Predictably so, she wonders if he likes her for her tasty blood. He admits that it holds some allure for him but that he loves HER. For the love of me I can't figure out why... but he does. He promises not to drink her blood if that is what she wants. Its hilarious to me how they are still together at this point when in Sookie Stackhouse #3 "Club Dead", Sookie sends Bill packing after finding out that he was getting it on with Lorena.

Gorgeous Eric is writing down his Last Will and Testament. Laugh at the hypocrisy that is an undead writing a testament. Pam is freaking out. Eric calls his sex toy to serve as a witness and when she figures out that Pam is getting everything should Eric dies she freaks out at him and he shrieks at her that he couldn't give five fucks of a damn about her. Pam says he is a dick. Draw your own conclusions, ladies.

Calvin is saved and pissed at having been fed vamp blood. He hits Crystal (which is getting old) and she runs after him. He abjures her, in a way, and she runs off. Lafayette says it best: "These fuckers are a whole new dimension of trash".

Hot Vamp Police chick explains how stupid it is to go after all vamps because of one terrorist. I agree. She says it would be like going after all of the human race because of one terrorist. I agree again. This made me think: were the writers trying to make a point with all of this? Like, how stupid, retarded and goddamned hypocritical it is that the United States calls itself the 'land of the free' and yet opposes the building of a Mosque solely because the terrorists of 9/11 were Muslims? Should all Muslims pay because of what a few did? Should all Germans pay then for Adolf Hitler? Should all Italians pay for Benito Musolini? Should all the Americans pay for the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear bombings?

Back to the episode.

Bill and Eric talk. Sookie wants to know what truth Eric is referring to. Bill says it means the truth about what she is. But we know better. Or at least we would know better if the writers kept at least an ounce of the original storyline. In the original storyline, Sophie-Anne Leclerq orders Bill to court Sookie in order to get access to her. She knows about Sookie's abilities because Hadley told her. She doesn't want to drain Sookie, though, she wants to use her. And she does, several times.

Eric says something cryptic, like a goodbye, and Sookie is a bit intrigues, though she pretends not to be.

Arlene goes off on how evil vampires are. Jessica runs like the wind and pins her against the wall and tells her off. She says something along the lines of: "Its hilarious how you being a slut barmaid feel like you actually have the right to hate me and treat me with contempt. You, next to me, are a nobody and yet you don't hear me calling you names and treating you like the piece of shit that you are." I agree. Arlene calls her evil, which was lame. Tommy is turned on by Jess's fangs. Jess explains that she's not with Hoyt 'cause "he's too good" for her which is bullshit. Tommy murmures: "Well, I'm not". I disagree.

Summer tries to get all sexy with Hoyt but he doesn't look turned on.

Tara and Jason arrive at Jason's place come face to face with Bill and Sookie. Tara freaks out, as always. Bill leaves and Tara tells Sookie how Franklin raped her and Bill stood by and did absolutely nothing. Sookie hugs her. Boring. But Tara looks absolutely stunning, even with her perennial terrified look on her face.

Jason promises Bill he'll take care of Sookie which is rich considering that he can hardly take care of himself. And I thought Hoyt was living with Jason? When did that change?

Jesus and Lafayette take a V journey. Hot.

Or not.

Everyone's terrified of Sam now. He tries to calm them down. Holly tries to feed him some wiccan thing and he calls her nosy. She apologizes. Tommy says that he was feeling proud of Sam last night and Sam calls him an idiot. It was funny in a way, but it wasn't like laughing funny, more like... funny.

Arlene tries to say something to Terry about the baby. Terry says something clinical which is laughing funny, then she blurts out that the baybeh ain't Terry's, its Rene Lenier's and its pure evil baby and she wants to get rid of it. He won't have any of it. He wants to marry her and surround the baybeh with tons of love!

Jason looks confused. Or maybe he's constipated I don't know. Then he blurts out: "I shot Eggs!" which once again, is funny because who in the world goes by the name of Eggs? Really! Sookie annoyingly says he should tell Tara. He says he's protecting Tara and she says its lying. Same difference.

Jesus and Lafayette are in their V party and they travel in time and place to see Jesus's family or something. He comes from a long line of little witches and evil warlocks. Lafayette wakes up in a cold sweat but Jesus is lovin' it! Weirdest part? The religious images dancing. 

Sookie dreams of Eric and they kiss. Yummy. He says she knows deep down that she can't trust Bill. 

Jason brings Tara something to eat, she says Jason's the only one she feels he can trust and they kiss (cute!). Of course, you know that this kodak moment (Circa 1990) can't be left alone, can it? Of course not. Stupid Jason blurts out that he killed Eggs and begs Tara to hit him or something. She, of course, looks terrified and runs away. Jason runs after her and realizes Stupid Sookie has left the house as well. Figures. Stupidity, as fairy blood, runs in the Stackhouse family.

Jessica is in her jammies when she realizes some dicks lit a cross on her yard and wrote "GO TO HELL" on their wall. Bill is quickly by her side (I love them together!) and urges her to repress her vampiric side that says something along the lines of: "I'm not quite ready to go to hell yet, but it seems you are. Give my regards to he-who-must-not-be-named®!"

Sam wanders around the forest, drinking his misery away. He has another flashback to the night he killed the thug and his bitch (Arielle Kebbel). Pointless. It would have been fun if they'd bothered to show his butt... And what was worse, he cries after killing the little cunt... I don't get it. I'm not saying its okay to kill and all, but this is True Blood! It's expected!

Sookie goes to Eric. They finally kiss. Just as Sookie demands to know why it is that she can't trust Bill, Pam freaks out again and talks Eric into using Sookie in some way. She reminds him that he would have done anything to save Godric which is rich, considering that in the books, Godric is NOT Eric's maker. Eric's maker is some ancient old man who's name is impossible to pronounce and is killed in the book Dead in the Family and though a bit shaken, Eric didn't shed bloody tears for him.

Awesome Russell pays a gigolo to go to bed with him. He looks, very faintly, like Talbot.

Arlene asks Holly about the natural way of aborting her evil baby. Holly smirks.

Jessica is bitting her nails. Tommy comments on it and Hoyt comes out of nowhere and declares his love for her in the cheesiest way possible. She doesn't reply fast enough and he walks out. Tommy goes after him and heckles him. Hoyt is like, twice his size and he punches him. Tommy morphs into a pug and attacks Hoyt. Jess comes into her senses and runs after Hoyt, picks up Tommy and throws him into the woods, feeds Hoyt her blood and they start making these movements... Kinda hot...

Bill arrives all angry at Jason's place and let him have it! Saving Sookie from herself was Jason's responsability for chrissake! Jason rescinds his invitation to let Bill into his home and in the coolest bit in this episode, Bill kinda floats back and out the door and Jason slams the door in his face. SNAP MOTHERFUCKER! But the surprise is waiting for him in his room... a very fake looking panther is there... and as you all probably know it's a very naked Crystal! Yes people, she's a werepanther. 

Russell is in bed with his gigolo Tommy that slightly resembles Talbot. He's going all nuts, talking to the male bitch like he was Talbot. Then he stakes the guy and is all happy 'cause he got to say goodbye to Talbot. Depressing and awesome both at the same time. Awesome 'cause we get to see hot Talbot once again... when the gigolo morphs into him... of course we all know its taking place in Russell's imagination but still... 

Eric takes Sookie prisioner. And after last week's ending, this one is both boring and terribly disappointing.

As you can see, all of the comments written in magenta are about the differences between the books and television. The only comment written in blue is me bitching out about the double standards of humans as a whole.

I leave you with some eye candy...

M.

Everything is Broken-- True Blood Episode Recap

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Now wasn't that episode just... I don't know how to describe it? Bloody is too cliche. Juicy? Hmm... there seems to be plenty of that going around as well. 

Ah, let's get right to recapping, shall we?

As always we begin with a look back at last week's episode. My favorite scene? It's probably Bill training Jessica to fight werewolves. After all these two have gone through, its kind of warm and fuzzy to see them having a good relationship. Jessica baring her fangs to threaten a werewolf is a close second. I really like Jess for some reason...

We kick things off with gorgeous, bloody Eric snapping at Pam. He needs a place to hide and he needs it NOW dammit! Ginger comes out of nowhere and just as Pam asks for her place as a hideout she announces the Vamp Police is there. Eric looks shocked and half a second later emerges from his office to face the very pale, very skinny Ms. Vamp Police Agent. She uses silver to torture Eric to submission and Ginger shrieks very much like television Sookie would, but she doesn't look half as stupid doing so.

INTRODUCTION! On a side note: am I the only one freaked out by this show's intro? I mean, there are enough disturbing things going on in TrueBlood. Why the heck do they have this collage of weird, nasty images at the very beginning? 

BACK TO THE EPISODE!

King Russell is back in his mansion, demanding to know where Talbot is. In the single grossest scene in this entire episode, he grabs the nasty, jelly, bloody thing that is Talbot's remains and holds them close to him while crying out loud very much like television Sookie when she was trying to save Bill from Russell's estate. But, again, he doesn't look half as annoying as television Sookie does. He doesn't shed bloody tears, though. Guess Talbot wasn't worth them.

Sookie and Bill are showering the blood off themselves. Bill lovingly smears some of his blood on Sookie's neck wounds and they heal. Then they get it on again. Same old, same old. For some reason, they scene ends with bloody water going down the drain. Is that supposed to turn us on? It's not working. 

After showering, our two annoying lovebirds clean up the mess in Sookie's house. Sookie complains about not having a normal relationship with Bill. Bill reminds her that she should be used to the fact that they are not a normal couple. They argue a bit about it. Boring. They cover the werewolf's naked body. Blah blah... Sookie tells Bill its creepy that he has kept a file on her and her life. He tells her that the purpose of said file was trying to figure out why other vamps are so interested in her. He wants to know what she is in order to protect her. Huh? Where have we heard that before....? 

Sookie says she doesn't need protecting 'cause she took care of Debbie all by herself. Once again: huh? I wonder how well she would have fared if she had taken care of Debbie, two werewolves and Russel Edgington. But Bill is too much of a gentleman to point out how absolutely ridiculous she is so we cut to Lafayette lying on a purple couch with his man toy, Jesus. 

Jesus comes out wearing the most ridiculous robe I've ever seen in my life. It's like the producers of TrueBlood want to remind us at every possible instance that Jesus and Lafayette are gay! GUYS! We know! Stop making them wear these stupid clothes already! Damn!

Anyways, they flirt. They kiss. Something about a jaguar tattoo... It seems more like a filler than anything else to me.

On to Jason's house! Crystal's former fiance or whatever he is comes barging into Jason's house and promptly tries to beat up Jason for "kidnapping" his girl. Jason is confused (which is a perpetual look on his face. Not that we are really looking at his face when he wears tight shirts...). Crystal cries out that not only did Jason kidnap her, but he raped her. When Crystal's fiance turns around to kick Jason's ass, Crystal grabs Jason's riffle and hits her fiance over the head. The funniest part of this whole shebang was when Crystal tells Jason they have to tie him up and take him somewhere in the woods and that he has to "trust" her. Yes, she wants him to trust her after she accused him of kidnapping and raping her. And Jason is so stupid that he complies. Dude! The chick is not that good looking! Get it together! Oh, and she grabs something out of the former fiance's pocket. Yup.

Back to Eric! The Vamp Police chick complains the whole place is clean. Don't you just hate it when that happens? You go someplace and its all clean! We can't have clean on TrueBlood! And yes, I know she wants to find evidence on the Magister's disappearance but I still think its funny...

The Police Vamp chick says she wants his official statement for the Authority. Whoever they are.

Cut to Tara sobbing on Sam's trailer. 

Ok, I get that this chick has been through a lot but her sobbing and looking terrified is seriously annoying me. I know that Book Tara is also kind of annoying and whiny but Charlaine Harris at least had the insight to keep her appearances at a minimum. Isn't television Sookie annoying enough? %^^&#@%^@$!!!

So, Tara sobs. Sam comforts her as best as he can. He gets a call from Terry Bellefleur. Terry complains that Tommy's having some sort of noisy sex party at his house and Arlene is going anal. Which is also not surprising. Sam leaves Tara in his trailer while he goes to check on his sexy little brother. Tara starts using Sam's computer that looks suspiciously like a Dell but we don't get product placement. Guess Dell didn't pay HBO to get publicity!

Back to Eric! You know... if he wasn't wearing a shirt this would be a heck of a lot better. Ah well... He's giving his "Official Statement to the Vampire Authority" (say that out loud with a straight face. I dare you not to laugh). He reveals everything that has happened: werewolves,  Russell Edgington and his vampire supremacy beliefs, the Magister's murder... why he didn't report Russell... He wants REVENGE people! The Authority, of course, doesn't want to get their hands dirty (funny!) by dealing with a King who has given tons of money to Vampires of America or something. And they arrest Eric and Pam until the "Authority" gives a final verdict.

Sam berates Tommy for having loud sex. Tommy complains. A bitch with saggy breasts but awesome abs comes out (Nicole? Natalie?) and Sam looks kind of uncomfortable. Hmm... he seemed a heck of a lot more comfortable in his Bill fantasy than with girls in front of him. Could that be a sign? Book Sam isn't this pathetic. But then again, Book Sookie isn't either so I don't know why I even bother. Sam tells Tommy to keep it down. Tommy asks if this is an order as a landlord or a father and Sam walks away. Natalie/Nicole asks Tommy if Sam is his father... lame.

Crystal and Jason tie the former fiance to a tree and make a call to the Police Station notifying that the man is there. Not sure to what purpose.

Cut back to Jesus and Lafayette. Jesus is worn out from canoodling with Lafayette all night but he has to go back to work. Ruby comes out looking glam and declares that her son looks... like her son once again... Ok. She wonders if Jesus had anything to do with it and Lafayette says yes. Ruby, in the funniest bit of this episode, says looking absolutely appalled: "I'll be damned! Maybe God loves fags!" Her face says it all, people! Jesus giggles and they leave.

Jason and Crystal walk into the Police Station the next morning and some lady is crying because Kevin got beat up nearly to death while answering Jason's phony call the night before. Jason looks horrified. Crystal looks... she looks... weird. That girl really has a weird looking face. It's kind of block shaped or something. And she's always chewing on her bottom lip. Maybe its supposed to be cute but I think it makes her look retarded. But I digress. Jason talks to Andy and plants this idea of tying the illegal V and Hotshot incidents together. Andy agrees and as Jason leaves he open his drawer and reveals tiny vials of blood. WTF? This Hotshot guy walks by Crystal and gives her the evil eye. That was fun.

Let's catch up with Tara, shall we? She arrives at this Church, it seems, and the new waitress, Holly is there to welcome her. Holly tells a story about being raped for five hours and how she is coping and we see something in Tara's face that resembles... hope? Relief? Did she pass gas? I can't tell but its an improvement over her terrified/sobbing facial expressions!

Sookie is looking at some newspaper clippings when she gets a call from Hadley. Hadley immediately demands to know why Sookie is still in her house when she specifically warned her that she should leave. I found that hysterical because Hadley called Sookie because she needs her to meet someone, but was pissed that Sookie was still home. So... Sookie should not be home but you wanted her to be because you need her for something? Lather, rinse, repeat. Got it.

Sookie goes running like the fool she is to answer's Hadley's plea. Hadley introduces her to Hunter, her cute little son who also happens to be a telepath. Of course, cousin Hadley is not sure that her son really is a telepath but when Sookie confirms it, she freaks out and leads the little boy away and warns Sookie to run away as well. But Sookie ain't having that! She is not running! Didn't you know? She took on Debbie Pelt all by her lonesome!

Back at Merlotte's, Arlene complains that Tommy stole part of her tip. Tommy says Arlene is a crappy waitress (and she looks like she is) and she runs away in tears. Sam sides with Tommy and Tommy wonders if Sam always lets people walk all over him. How does this remark has anything to do with him stealing Arlene's tip is still unclear to me. Holly finds Arlene crying, they have a heart to heart. Bottom line: Arlene doesn't want her baby because its pure evil, Holly talks about abortion (which is rich considering a few scenes back she was at a Church), Arlene cries some more. The End. 

Or not. Bill is lying on his hidey hole and he opens a latch door and emerges from the pond in Sookie's "dream". Claudine is there and she runs away from him, horrified because he killed Sookie. Even in this dream world, Bill is faster than Claudine that happens to be a fairy. Highlight if you want to be spoiled. That is, if you don't already know. Claudine repels him with light from her hands and Bill says he has not killed Sookie and that he wants to know what she is in order to keep herself safe.

Eric is bleeding from his ears and nose again. Why is that? Can anyone tell me? He hasn't slept and is anxious. He tells Pam that if he doesn't walk out of that debacle alive she should become a Creator. She cries. Its a sweet scene all in all.

Jessica sees Hoyt and his annoying little girlfriend Summer walk into Merlotte's She's annoyed at them, of course, and is sort of rude. But then apologizes. 

In another part of the bar, Jason tells Crystal that all her problems will be over soon 'cause they are taking Hotshot down! Crystal, being the weirdo that she is, freaks out at this. 

Jesus is also in Merlotte's and he orders a veggie burger with bacon. LMAO! Lafayette sexily says that for Jesus, he'd do just about everything. Then saunters off after saying "if you don't finish all of that, you ain't gettin' dessert." They don't show it, but I'm sure Jesus licked his lips and tore into that burger! Tara says she's happy about Lafayette and Jesus... but she says this after a bit of pity party for herself.

Back to Summer and Hoyt! Summer tells Hoyt she is proud that he has chosen the her and thus "the light". When she excuses herself to go to the little girl's room (why is she carrying around those creepy looking ancient dolls?!), Jessica wanders back to the table. She spies the dolls and asks Hoyt if Summer knows he hates dolls. Hoyt admits that they don't talk about him much, just about Summer and her bullcrap. Jess wonders why Hoyt puts up with Summer if he has just voiced that he hates her and he says something cutesy along the lines of: "its better to listen to incessant banter from a blonde, busty bimbo than lie around the house crying 'cause I ain't got your lovin' no more!" Jess cries for some reason and runs away. Tommy, which is clearly interested in cute Jess, asks Hoyt what his problem is before running after Jess.

The Vamp Police is at Fangtasia and they mean business. Atop of one of the buildings, Russell (I missed him!) is carrying around the nasty remains of Talbot and says in the most awesome way: "Ohhhh... they.will.suffer!" Bring on the fireworks, we're ready! He flies away. 

Inside Fangtasia, the Vamp Police chick says Eric looks like shit (impossible) and Eric says he feels "fantastic" (or fangtastic? Sorry, couldn't resist!). The verdict is basically: "Do whatever the fuck you want with Russell, nothing happened, the Magister never existed, we don't care how, just take him OUT!" Eric asks for help, the lady says fuck off and calls him a bitch. LOL

The caricature that is supposed to be Calvin Norris (Book Calvin Norris RULES!) walks into Merlotte's and shouts at his daughter (Book Calvin Norris is Crystal's UNCLE!). Sam loses it after caricature Calvin makes fun of him and rips him a new one. Its pretty gruesome for a relatively tame scene (no vamps involved!). Jesus and Lafayette are just about to take pathetic Calvin to the hospital and weirdo Crystal comes out shrieking like a banshee about wanting to go with them. Jason is confused. Again. And wonders why she wants to go care for a person that has repeatedly controlled her life. She asserts herself! Yes siree! She tells him: "I don't need no one controlling my life! Much less someone like fucking you!". I'm not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, she's right, Jason does want to control her because he wants her so much (again... haven't we heard that before?), on the other hand, her father has allowed another man to repeatedly beat her up. 

She should run away to Alburquerque.

Tara is watching this whole scene with a very Jason-like expression on her face (Read: Confused) when Franklin appears! Man is this guy ugly! Who's the genius in charge of casting in TrueBlood? Aaaaanyways, she says she tried to kill him, she says she hates him, he says he was told all of that but he just didn't BELIEVE! He's about to kill her, she says he will set her free, Jason... looking determined for a change, charges his gun, points it at Franklin who gives him a look of contempt and boasts that no matter how many times he gets shot he'll just come back for more. Just as he finishes saying that, Jason fires the gun and Franklin vanishes in a shower of scarlet blood. Jason's coolest line of this episode: "Not if I got wooden bullets!" Hehe. Tara still looks terrified, if a little grossed out. Jason looks at her tenderly. So cute.

Bill arrives at Sookie's and tells her that he thinks he knows what they're after. Sookie demands to know why he hadn't said anything before. Bill declares he knows what Sookie is and of course, it ends there. But we know better. Sookie is a freaking FAIRY!!! Unless they change that part of the books, of course. But I don't think they will.

CUT to Police Vamp chick having a bite to eat (the girl she is feasting on has awesome breasts, unlike Tommy's bitch who was sagging). The television is on the news and they are saying something about voting for Vampire's Equal rights and how they don't have enough votes or something and AWESOME Russell Edgington grabs the guys spinal cord and kills him right there and then! Then he proceeds to tell humans how awesome vamps are and how stupid humans and how he's gonna kill them all or something. Police Vamp chick looks horrified (and paler than usual, which is saying something). Then Russell, in the best.ending.EVER, turns and faces another camera and says:

"Now time for the weather... Tiffany!"

Classic.

M.